It 3;00am. I should be asleep but I am awake. It is my birthday…………a lot is going through my mind: so am thinking I should write about it.
Birthdays I guess are one of those days that should be filled with Love….lots of it, It is a celebration of life and true happiness. However I am in tears. Not sure I will get a genuine hug today: I do not know if it is an attitude problem….. I pray that it is not: But I just do not see this day getting any better for me.
Making 24 in Uganda Africa today for a woman is quite an accomplishment. However problem comes when there are lots of people asking you so what next:::And if you are Ugandan you will know that they are asking about marriage.
And at 24, usually there would be someone:::a boyfriend or a friend of sorts that told you a few things that include marriage. Now that is not the case with me.
I run in to a sheep::: Nah am just kidding. I have not yet gotten that lucky. Problem is I find it hard to settle for the least or rather anything that is not like me. I tried in the name of love, almost got lucky and then my world fell apart.
You see, I am a woman and for some reason I do not know how to throw myself at a man. It just can’t, won’t, does not work for me. I do not know how the others manage.
And 24 years down the road, I believe that I am worth working for. SO I will not give myself away –just like that. You just have got to be worth it. Some call it pride: But I belive it takes more than that to know your place in this world, establish you place there and work at staying there. It is alot of work.
And so: My lonely me thinks:Am better off on my own that suffering and enduring a commitment I am not so sure about. So until then: when I can commit(having learned the hard way) Let me set my bar high and work at maintaining it: Which in itself is a lot of work. And I do not want desperate. Far be it from me: so no panic mode….
I do not know why but I have to say this: Never bring a soul in this world that is going to suffer under your watch. Yeah granted that may not be what you had in mind when you brought them into this world, but hullllooooo when they get here you are still their guardian.
A few days ago; a colleague of mind brought their son to work, This particular person is having a hard time keep it together, and their son is suffering. The little one who is very aggressive: beating all the time; and at 2 years is not potty trained. He could not tell his dad that he wanted to pee, so he stood in the corridor at work and helped himself. Peter and I (my other colleague?) burst into tears. The father did not look like he cared at all, or knew what this meant. But if at 2years your son cannot trust you to tell you that he wants to peee, then will he ever?
I could go on and on:
But I pray and hope to be a mother, Have babies of my own. And after witnessing this and the other many stories:::
I am left wondering if people do their ‘’homework” before taking on one of life’s biggest assignments: Raising a child. And that is where I am headed, sooner or later, But I want to do it right So help me God…
Another year come and gone: I wanna learn and live to learn, since that is what life is about….And I hope and want to do it right!!!!